To the girl with the broken heart
Oh, sweet friend, I see you as tear-filled mascara rolls down your cheeks. You pictured your forever with him and he just told you he’s not going to be there or you realized he is not what you hoped he would be.
You feel like you have been punched in the gut, actually, a beating would feel better than the utter shattering of your heart right now.
You pretend to be strong. You tell yourself you will be fine, but you didn’t see this coming, not this time, not with this guy. It feels like a tornado is circling around your head and you’re powerless to run for cover.
I’ve had my fair share of painful breakups, and I’ve also sipped lots of coffee with some dear friends as we hashed out every detail of their breakups. I’ve served for 15 years in college ministry so, I have lived it, and I’ve counseled at least 100 girls through it. I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’ve noticed breakups all have a similar pattern and best practices for wading through the painful swamp of heartbreak. Here’s my take:
Grieve
A break up is a death. It’s the death of a relationship, a friendship, and a future together that will no longer be. Why do we have a memorial, burial, and a grieving process when we lose a loved one to death, yet pretend we don’t need to grieve when we lose a loved one because of a break-up? We loved them, now they are gone. We have to take time of feeling the pain of the break-up. When girls seem to “never get over” a break up it is typically because they skip this process.
Tips on how to grieve:
- Write a letter to him on all the things you want to say, then burn it
- Punch a pillow
- Get away, somewhere, anywhere, Even if it’s just 30 min down the road. Get out of your routine and have a long talk with God.
- Ask a sweet friend to listen to you talk it out. Dump all your thoughts, feelings, and pain and let her listen. Friends are amazing and the best at helping us wade through this difficult process.
- Name your losses. This is a particularly powerful step. Write down what will no longer be. Examples. I won’t be Mrs. Scott, I won’t have that mother in law, I won’t spend Christmas in Michigan. Think of this as the part where you are cleaning the wound. It is uncomfortable but so important to heal properly.
“One of the best parts of being human is other humans. It’s true, because life is hard; but people get to show up for one another, as God told us to, and we remember we are loved and seen and God is here and we are not alone. We can’t deliver folks from their pits, but we can sure get in there with them until God does.” -Jen Hatmaker
I have no magic timeline for how long this process should last but If you are still grieving in a year, we have a problem. Give yourself permission to feel…but then it’s time to move to the next step.
Become the best version of yourself
This is the key piece of advice I wish someone would have given me after a break-up. So many people skip this step and just jump into another relationship. You have been running a race, you fell down and something is broken. Getting back up and running on the broken leg doesn’t heal it, it just injures yourself more. You need to get out of the race for a min, take a breather, and get healed.
Single time is the best time to work on you. Here are some suggestions:
- Work on getting out of debt: I highly recommend 7 baby steps to getting out of debt. You may think you will worry about that when you get married but I can promise you bringing less debt into a relationship avoids a mountain of arguments and stress.
- Talk to a counselor: Speaking of bringing less debt into a relationship, we all have baggage. Some carry more than others, but your single time is the best time to talk with someone about childhood issues, past hurts, anxiety issues, or anything you need to sort through. I’m convinced we all need a little time on a counselor’s couch, and your single time is the BEST time to do it.
- Go to the gym: You may discover a new healthy hobby, if nothing else, there are cute guys there (but don’t look…yet).
- Chase your dreams: Remember that, “I’d like to do that someday” dream? Well, today is the day girlfriend! Take that trip, sign up for those lessons, go on that hike, start that business, or simply read that book. Your time is all yours. ENJOY IT!
I know culture tells us diving back into a relationship will heal your heart but broken things don’t fix themselves. Doesn’t it make more sense to look in the mirror and take a few steps to become the best version of yourself first? Here is the kicker, wouldn’t you want your next boyfriend to do the same?
Diving into the dating pool again:
An architect draws a blueprint before he builds a structure. A business owner makes a budget for the fiscal year. Yet you dive into what could be one of the most important decisions of your life with no plan. How does this make sense? I suggest you make a plan.
- Define what’s important: What are some non-negotiable characteristics in your next beau. Does he show up for his classes? Does he have a job? Is he ambitious? Is he respectful? Does he go to church? How does he treat the women in his life?
I don’t know anyone who seeks to date a porn-addicted, disrespectful college dropout. Unfortunately, there are all too many amazing girls dating these guys.
MAKE A PLAN - Protect your heart. There is mental, emotional, spiritual, social and, of course, physical intimacy. Each form of intimacy pulls more and more on our hearts. It is impossible to get to know someone without sharing intimacy in some way but don’t buy the lie that he can have your body and not your heart, the two are connected. You are so much more than just your body.
Bring your best self to your next relationship.
If you got nothing else from this post I hope you take time to enjoy your single time. Take up a new skill, learn another language, chase your passions, or write a book. Marriage and kids is a commitment that you don’t have right now. Make the most of your single time. Bonus points, what’s more attractive, waiting around on a dude, or becoming the best version of your single self?
A break up is a death and more painful than anyone lets on, but I hope this post gave you the tools to heal and come back stronger than before.
-Katie Bulmer
